Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
