so explain again why im purple
no
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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