I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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