Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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