I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize