Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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