we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
