I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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