i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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