I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
