i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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