I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
