My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
