you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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