Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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