got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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