i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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