yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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