If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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