There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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