come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
