my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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