Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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