why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
