my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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