You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
