Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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