I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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