I'm so fucking centered right now
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
