I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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