Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
