She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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