Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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