I can text with my tongue
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
