Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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