Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
