Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
