I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
