Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You can't motorboat a personality
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
