Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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