I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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