Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
