Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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