you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
