Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
