I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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