you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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