My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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