i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
