Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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